The one thing that humans crave, even more than coffee and chocolate, is connection. When you have positive connections with people you really care about, when you are ignited by their presence, your whole world behaves like an enlightened place. But what happens when a precious connection doesn’t last or no matter how much effort you devote to it, it just never seems enough?
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you dress up, look pretty or try and deliver all the kindness you think is necessary, you still can’t seem to get a relationship to morph into what you want. In fact, all that activity seems to make it worse. We wonder what’s going on. Should we give more, try harder? No. We need to stop and take a peek at what is driving our behaviour.
If we don’t feel ‘enough’ then nothing we ever try to do or to give will ever feel like it’s hit the mark. We need to assess our motivation in the kindest way possible. We need to ask; why are we giving so much of ourselves? Is it to get praise? Are we making the assumption that someone will love us more and gush all over us with the kind of appreciation that we are so desperate to receive just because we’ve worked our butt off to prove our complete and undying devotion? Maybe. Or maybe we’ve simply handed over our sense of self-worth to someone, or multiple people for that matter, and the only way we can get a ‘hit’ of feeling good is from their positive response to us. They become our drug and we can’t get high without them.
Some of us struggle immensely never feeling enough. Not pretty enough, skinny enough, our contribution is never enough. We’re not a good enough friend, daughter, co-worker, employee, you name it, I’ve felt it too and I’m so utterly sick of feeling like I’m not measuring up. And measuring up to whom for that matter?
We could literally trip over ourselves like complete idiots to show kindness, support and love to someone but if they’re not into us or have someone else in their life that is more shiny and interesting then it would appear that all we are doing is causing a great deal of commotion when we could calmly and quietly shift that focus and give all that good feeling back to ourselves. That’s where it desperately needs to go anyway.
We need to understand that no one can mirror back to us the kind of love that we are screaming out to receive, until we can truly give it from a truthful and sacred place where we’re not expecting validation as the prize.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that that we ignore the feeling of rejection. Our ego suffers when we can’t get a hit from the object of our desire and we need to process the difficult emotions. But if you sit with the hurt in a quiet moment of reflection, you’ll soon hear that calm voice announce that it’s ok to show up for someone in all your glory. It’s courageous to put your standards on show and allow someone to see the effort that you are prepared to make because that’s how much they mean to you. However, you also need to start practicing showing up for you too. Turn that bravery and courageousness and all that generous goodness back onto you. Convince yourself how much you love and appreciate the glory of who you are.
So how do we do this? I suppose we start by creating healthy boundaries. By putting our needs first. By recognising our actions and taking responsibility for them. By taking care of our physical requirements and our emotional needs and by showing ourselves how much we care about ourselves first and foremost. Sometimes this could mean saying, ‘no’ (shock, horror!) It could also mean that instead of falling over yourself to help someone else, who, let’s be honest didn’t ask for your help, we make a huge effort to help ourselves instead.
I know we were all programmed to take people’s reactions toward us very seriously (thanks mum’s and dad’s) but if we are constantly in a state of not feeling good enough and trying to fill that gap by seeking the approval of others, then we’re just stuck on a never-ending cycle with love just outside of our reach. If we can grasp the concept that all the love, we could ever want is already within us, then our brilliance will naturally flow, and everything will automatically line up.
We simply won’t reach the dizzying heights of our true awesomeness if we’re too busy trying to please everyone all the time and it’s our birthright to get to those lovely places.
It’s an incredible selfless act of love to demonstrate as often as possible exactly what’s bubbling up inside to those you love and there’s nothing wrong with that. But you need to do it for the right reasons. Not just to get a hit of worthiness to tide you over.
We need to believe every day and in every possible way that we are enough. We are part of an intricate state of being that is always enough. We are among the most impressive creations this Universe has to offer and when we were birthed into this World, we most certainly came equipped with all the ‘enough’ we could carry.
We never question for a second if a baby is worthy of being lavished with love and we were all once a tiny precious new being. We kiss and cuddle those delicious creatures and worship them with love and devotion. We watch over them with our eyes full of awe because we know without ever needing to put it into words that they are worthy of great love. This would strongly suggest that we are all innately loveable and most of all innately worthy beings.
Why do we forget this as we grow older? Well, everyone has a different story and that’s one for a well-paid therapist to sift through. In my humble opinion, we let too many outside sources convince us that there is something wrong with us and we keep believing the same unhelpful stories. Let’s remember that pure reference of love that we once knew as a baby and try and emulate it for ourselves as often as possible from the most sacred loving place we can conjure. Oh, and we really need to stop paying attention and reacting to the people who refuse to love us like we know we deserve to be loved. And maybe recognise that their resistance is not all about us. We are in-fact incredibly deserving. They probably have their own lack of self-worth blocking the flow anyway.
Unfortunately, it’s too easy to abandon ourselves in the process of trying to chase someone else. We’re so desperate to get them to love us in order to feel good, that we forget how important it is to nurture and love ourselves first.
Do things that shine a light into your own soul and see how sparkly it is, rather than waiting for someone to wake up and see all of that beauty in you. You don’t need someone to notice you before you set out to discover your own brilliance.
We spend precious time and energy silently begging others to witness our greatness and ask them to deliver our worth on a platter, when we could simply be focusing on the realisation that we already have exactly what we need right where we reside.
If we don’t know how to lavish love on ourselves then it’s time to learn. Not by spending money on ridiculous things, unless you can afford it of course then knock yourself out. I mean really taking the time to learn what makes you tick. Find out what gives you the greatest enjoyment, the most meaningful fulfilment. Discover what makes you excited; what lifts you up and drives you to contribute in a brilliant way. Some people never even make these enquiries because they’re too busy trying to please everyone else.
Turn it all onto you. Lavish yourself with the love you’ve been giving to everyone else. People are either going to like you or they’re not. What is desperately important is that you like you. Is that you understand that your greatness is not something that needs to be discovered. It’s already present. Chase your dreams and don’t chase other people. If you are working hard at embracing your awesome then the right people will find you. You won’t be able to stop them.
The connection and relationship we really need to fight for is the one we have with ourselves. See yourself as the completely loveable being that you were born as and allow your true magnificence to be felt. You then won’t be able to help but shine that beautiful light outward. We are so loved. We don’t need to be validated by anyone outside of us, as a perfectly balanced Universe already exists gloriously within. Go in and get to know it. I guarantee you’ll love it.