It was the anniversary of my baby’s death recently and I quietly lost the plot. There was sleep deprivation involved I suppose, thanks to my sweet 8 month old, and somehow I developed a desperate desire to fix everything in sight.
On an incredibly exciting Friday night, I found myself in the bathroom, rubber gloves on, with vinegar, peroxide, baking powder and a toothbrush, scrubbing and scrubbing until I destroyed that poor toothbrush as well as any patience I had. Longing to restore some gleam to the tired ceramic, I worked away at it for hours in-between getting the baby fed and ready for bed. What was going on I had to wonder?
After I had then painted the veranda the next day, found a brilliant solution to solve a friends love life, organised a boys night for my husband and tried to mend a friendship that wasn’t even really broken, it dawned on me what I was doing. I was searching for a modicum of control.
Despising how powerless I was in the circumstances surrounding my first son’s life, I reflected on how feeling helpless and at the mercy of a hellish fate really sucked. I was always on the back foot and could never catch up on what was happening.
The first time I was admitted into hospital, I was on my babymoon and only 16 weeks pregnant. I kept thinking that it was a giant mistake. That it was all in the heads of the doctors and I was anxious to get back to my barely checked-into resort. However the reality was crystal clear. Thankfully the baby was still ok, but everything else, the holiday, my health, was all falling into a heap along with any chance that the pregnancy was going to last the distance.
As it turned out, I had no control over the situation what so over. I had nothing. I could only listen to my doctors, do as I was told, and pray furiously for a good outcome.
Having zero power is a state that no one wants to endure. Unfortunately though, in life we are going to come across these situations, and there’s absolutely nothing we can do to prevent them from unravelling.
After exhausting myself with all of the fix-it or die projects, I discovered that there are just too many things I can’t repair. Especially the stupid tiles. As much as I would like to, and as desperate as I am to make things right, there’s little I can do. What I can do however, is work on finding peace with what is. Therein lies my power.
It’s almost like we need to flex the muscle of being out of control, in order to propel ourselves into the art of surrender, so that we can ultimately find peace in any situation. Rather than feel like we are free falling into the abyss, we need to find a way to be good and gentle with ourselves so we can ultimately feel less pain.
We also need to be aware, that the strength we require to overcome our challenging obstacles is always there when we need it. Instead of staying in a place of complaint and sadness, we need to approach life from a place of being enough, having enough, knowing that we are far stronger and way more bad-ass than we think.
I often catch myself saying that things are unfair, and then I remind myself that I can handle it. That I can overcome. That I have the ability to move through any situation that is put in front of me with grace and poise because I have all the stuff required to make it through.
We may think that we want to be in control of everything, but that’s a great deal of responsibility. Yes it’s nice to try and make things right, but we are only going to be met with frustration if we attempt to force outcomes. It’s better to first return to a place of peace, acceptance and rest before trying to find the answers.
No one wants to get hurt, fall down, make terrible mistakes, but this is a human experience and life throws some serious grenades at you sometimes. In some situations we may feel powerless in determining an outcome, but our real power lies in our ability to overcome, to rise higher and have unwavering faith that each element of our lives is uniquely designed to get us to a better place.
When you have peace, then you most certainly have control. When you realise beyond all doubt that you are capable of handling any obstacle put in your path, you discover how powerful you actually are. You don’t have to feel hopeless. You deserve to feel strong, capable, able, and courageous enough to endure whatever is chucked your way.
Life will try to test and derail us, and sometimes it feels like we are going completely bananas, but stay in this truth. We all have what it takes. We are incredible beings. We need to lift ourselves up instead of tear ourselves down. Only then will we truly realise and step into the fullness of our magnificent power.