To the beautiful mother’s without their babies in their arms, I want you to know how incredible you are. I know how hard the days are for you and how you grieve. I know how your body betrayed you and about your fractured heart. I know the hurt hidden behind your smile and the pain you carry. I know about the crushing sadness and the occasional absence of light.
On your most perplexing days I want you to know that I know.
I know the torture of your loss and the dark days you never thought you would get through. I know about leaving hospital without the precious infant in your arms after carrying them for as long as you could. I know about your bravery and how much you fought. I know your courage.
I know the horror you felt that first night you came home and all the subsequent nights. I know about watching your baby die and holding their breathtakingly beautiful body in your arms. I know about the carefully prepared nursery without the most important detail. I know the sheer emptiness and utter heartache. I know about the funeral and making decisions through gut wrenching grief. I know a coffin smaller than a shoebox. I know.
I know about glorious flowers filling your house that refused to bring you joy. I know about attending children’s birthday parties and the rightful way they are celebrated and enjoyed and the pang that hits your heart. I know the pitying looks and the pained conversations, people doing their very best to make you feel ok. I know the infinite joy of having met your child and scanning every precious crevice of their tiny perfect body so you will never forget. I know about willing them to live. I know the unconditional and suffocating love you felt for the bundle that you never heard speak or cry or laugh or look at you and say ‘mummy.’ I know.
Because I know, I hold you in my heart along with my little boy. I hold you there even though I know how resilient you already are. I know about the strength you have developed as a result of your loss. I know the compassion you feel for others and how protective you are of those you hold dear. I know how fiercely you love. I know the bravery you show every day by getting up and running toward your best life. I know you have days where you wish for invisibility, but how on the whole you make it through. Mostly because you want to honour your child and be transformed by your experience and not debilitated by it. I know your hope. I know you are immense.
I hold you in the highest esteem because I’m inspired by how you’ve moved through your experience and how gracefully you balance your cross. You are as benevolent as your child in Heaven and I know that they celebrate you too.